


A selfish heart

by korydwen (melusinezar)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Some angst, but i hope your heart will be healed too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-08-31 20:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8592352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melusinezar/pseuds/korydwen
Summary: The last night of the GPF, as the banquet after the gala is being held and everyone has fun, Viktor gets out for a few minutes to think about a decision he took.





	1. Chapter 1

It's almost strange for the weather to be this nice and warm at night in December. Viktor shouldn't be surprised though, Spain and Russia don't exist on the same parallels. He walks on the place, breathing the smell of the sea as he leaves the rest of the party behind him. He whistles to call Makkachin to him but then remembers he left him in Japan. With a loud sigh, Viktor sits on one of the stone benches of the park near the building where the GPF was held. Facing it, he can see the party still going on through the big windows of the first floor.

With a smile he thinks of Yuuri and how great he did at the competition. The race for the gold was tight and only a couple points separated him from Yurio and his silver medal. It could have been higher if Yuuri hadn't yet again change one of his quads for another. 

Viktor closes his eyes for a second, then opens them to look past the building toward the stars. Now that the excitment is coming down, that the joy is settling, he knows that it was that moment that cemented his decision. He hasn't said anything yet because he doesn't know how to word it in a way that wouldn't make everything fall apart. It's not the kind of surprise he wants to make. He's 50% sure that Yuuri will cry and misunderstand him and hate him.

Viktor thought being a coach would be a lot more different, and clearly is not cut for it. Yuri never did as he told him to, and Yuuri didn't either. And it bothers him. But unlike Yakov, he doesn't see himself doing that for the years to come. If this whole season made him understand something is that he's not made to be a coach if his two students have no trouble to develop and to win with him just standing next to them. Maybe he could be a choreographer instead ? 

As he checks his phone to see those very thoughts written in a message that is still unanswered by Yakov, someone gets his attention. 

"Hey Viktor." Chris' voice makes him raise his head. "Yuuri is almost dying under all these attentions up there, why aren't you with him ?"

Viktor shrugs with a smile. "I'm sure he'll be okay. My presence would only bring more attention and I wanted some calm."

Chris looks at him with a puzzled look and once again Viktor feels a pang of loneliness tingling around his heart. He started only recently to understand why being in the light all the time had made him lonely. Nobody sees you for real nor thinks you might need someone by your side. 

"Some trouble in paradise ?" the man asks with an hesitating tone. Viktor shakes his head.

"No. On that lane, everything is... perfect."

It's true. His relationship with Yuuri is passionate, inspiring, interesting and challenging. He never met someone who put his heart on fire like Yuuri does.  
Chris' smile comes back as he listens to him.

"Did you need to come take some fresh air to cool down or you would have jumped on him in front of everyone... again ?" he teases as he sits next to the russian.  
Viktor smile disappears. It's not often that he gets an ear to talk to. And it's something he still needs to work on with Yuuri because his adorable katsudon doesn't realize how many times he shuts him down in his attempts. Though, Viktor might end up ruining everything before they even get the chance at being better at communicating.

So even if he's not that close to Chris off-ice, he starts to talk.

"Quite the contrary actually. I made a decision that could break him and I'm trying to protect him a bit longer."

"But you just said that everything was fine..."

"Romantically yes. But a lot of our relationships relies on me being Yuuri's coach. And I don't want be the kind of coach he wants me to be."

Chris gasps and from the corner of his eye, Viktor sees him gaping in shock.

"W-what do you mean ?" Chris asks, a bit lost.

"Yuuri wants me to just stand by him and to believe in him. Which I can do. But that's a cheerleader or a support role. Not a coach's one. I can give him support and believe in him as his lover. That's what I intend to do for as long as he needs it or wants me to do it. But I can't be doing... only that for my whole life."

A silence falls between them. Only broken after a minute by Chris getting up. The slight disgust in his tone doesn't even surprise Viktor.

"I thought you had changed. That Yuuri had changed you but... You're really such a selfish man."

As he turns around and leaves, Viktor whispers "that's what they all say, right ?"

But that's who he is, and Yuuri wants him to be who he is, right ? So he would understand that Viktor can be his lover but not his coach anymore, right ? It's not personal, it's professional. And Viktor didn't do anything as a coach for Yuuri. He gave him a little push, a little more confidence. But as the time passed Viktor realized that all this was coming from him being Yuuri's lover, not his coach. 

And Viktor wants to give. Or at least to get the chance to try. And it's not even touching on the tiny little voice that is starting to knock on the back of his mind that he might want to compete again. To compete against Yuuri. In a sort of weird rivalry to which one could be filled with the most love for the other through their performances.

Would that break everything too ? Does he really wants too much that he's potentially sabotaging Yuuri's love ? 

But at the same time... It's a new challenge. To be who he is and sustaining this beautiful thing between Yuuri and him. 

Viktor stands up, shaking from this tension, this leap into the unknown. But this is the big question Yuuri hasn't answered yet : can he accept Viktor's unshielded, naked heart without being disgusted by it and let it fall and break in thousands shards ?

Viktor knows, as he walks back into the building, that he'll know soon. And that one constant no matter what, is that the rest of the world will stamp him for being so selfish.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the first chapter as a oneshot but then more ideas came and I have a longer story in mind now. Though not very long, I was planning to write the rest in one go, but I felt like I reached a good cutting point at the end of this chapter.
> 
> THis is the song used in this chapter : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtBdzw2Zkek

He waited until they were back in Japan, getting ready for Nationals, to start skating again. He played the song again and again and again in the plane, scribbling in russian on a piece of paper in a rush all the ideas the music was finally inspiring him, scrambling the first steps of his future free program. Yuuri had opened a sleepy eye and asked him what it was, but Viktor just smiled and told him to go back to sleep.

It wouldn't be fair to Yuuri to break everything when he had another revenge to get in less than two weeks.

Yuuri doesn't really notice anything. Viktor helps him composing himself and to use the high he still had from his incredible performances in Barcelona, to channel it positively for Nationals. He crushes everything there, no doubts, no fear, no stress. Yuuri falls into his lover's arms after the free, and they roll in bed together that night. Which makes him not do so well in the gala, but Yuuri doesn't care. He is going to Worlds and he feels like for the first time in his life, he can take everything coming at him with the strength of a titan.

But it's when he starts to notice things. Small things. Like Viktor not doing the run throughs with him anymore or staying after their sessions, saying that he needs to skate by himself a bit so he can stay in shape. Yuuri noticeq it but doesn't question it. He understands that Viktor might want to find himself again on the ice and that the high of the Grand Prix Series hasn't been only for him. Plus he has seen Viktor refining all season long some steps of the Eros program, to help him make it better.

No, he doesn't question it until the week before the Four Continent Cup. He has started to feel a nervous energy and he wakes up earlier than usual that day. He makes his usual jog to the rink, and the sun hasn't rise yet. His first surprise is to see the lights on inside. Maybe Viktor has forgotten to turn them off when he left yesterday. He shrugs, changing his clothes and putting on his skates, planning to go do some figures to push away this tingling nervosity from his limbs.

Walking toward the ice room, he hears the music.

It is slow, low, a very powerful feeling waiting to rise in the voice of the singer, lacing itself around the delicate notes of the piano. It is familiar but Yuuri can't remember where he heard it. He pushes the door open, walks to the board, and stares in awe.

Viktor is moving, knees bent low, his full body moving up and down in a wave motion, with a delicateness that twists Yuuri's gut. He watches him land a quadruple flip with the softness of a feather, pure perfection. Yuuri is mesmerized, just like the first time he saw Viktor on the ice. His lover a graceful form as the music is embracing him in a raw curtain of emotion. The voice starts to gain power and Viktor moves with an abandon that Yuuri never saw in him before, the steps and jumps an intricate, and yet looking so simple, choreography. 

Viktor pushes with his skates into a butterfly entry of a magnificent spin as the singer's voice starts to rise in intensity, begging her man to not let go. Yuuri is left speechless, feeling the music and the words tie themselves around his heart, as the notes keep rising and rising into a desperate, pleading and fierce cry. Viktor stops spinning as the music halts, eyes looking up, one hand on his heart. He looks so fragile at that moment. Yuuri feels himself torn between his body pushing him to go on the ice, to take Viktor's hand, to be sure he is okay... And this ugly tightening of his chest because something is wrong. 

As he has been stripped of his fanboy vision of Viktor in the last months, peeling away the persona Yuuri had built in his own mind to start to see the real Viktor, this feels unsettling. It is like watching the "old" Viktor from his posters but superimposed with the real Viktor he now knows. And this disturbing feeling that he iss seeing for the first time the linked chain between these two personas... That somehow, maybe, he has pushed away the idea of Viktor The Skater to keep only for himself Viktor His Lover. Now he is seeing him whole again, but this revelation seems to have been intentionally hidden from him by his lover... 

Viktor turns his gaze toward him abruptly, slowly realizing that he isn't alone in the room. His face marks his surprise and a hint of embarrassement before hiding under a neutral mask that morphs into a small smile, a tentative to brush what he just witnessed away. But Yuuri isn't a fool. As Viktor skates toward him, greeting him, out of breath, Yuuri feels his heart twist in an ugly knot.

"That was beautiful" he whispers, voice as tight as his chest.

Viktor smiles, not looking him in the eyes. "Thanks. I've just started to work on it."

Yuuri watches him closely, studying every inch of his face, noting every hint of avoidance, embarrassement, shame on Viktor's face. He takes a gulp, trying to untie his throat.

"Are you already working on my program for next season ?" He questions, hoping that Viktor will say yes, that it's not the first step of what he fears the most.

But Viktor stays silent. He raise a hand to brush Yuuri's cheek then cups it in his palm. Yuuri wants to close his eyes, and he does briefly, but he's way too aware that it's a deflection tactic. That Viktor is trying to distract him, and himself, from the question. He lets him wraps his arms around him though. He let the warmth and solidness of Viktor's body envelop him. Maybe they can stay like that forever. Maybe he doesn't have to face the tiny voice in the back of his mind that he almost managed to shut up entirely when he won the GPF. That Viktor would, one day, leave him. 

Viktor's breath is hot against the skin of his neck, his face hidden in the crook. He feels more than he hears that his lover is breathing him, holding him tight, readying himself. Yuuri wants to have faith but he also wants to cry. Viktor let him go, stands up again, and this time his blue eyes drill into his.

"No. It's mine."

Yuuri holds his breath. Maybe it won't be that bad. It's normal for Viktor to want to skate for himself from time to time. It doesn't mean...

"I... I want to compete again, next season."

Yuuri shuts down. 

"I see. I guess it was meant to happen at one time. I wish you the best for it."

"Yuuri..."

"I guess you'll want to pack soon to go back to train with Yakov."

"Yuuri it's not..."

"I'll have to tell my mother that she won't have to buy those snacks you love so much then. Oh and that your room will be soon available again..."

He can't stop his mouth from running. His mind is blank, he doesn't even know what he's saying. He feels like the safe that Viktor had opened around his heart has slammed its door so hard he can't feel anything anymore. He doesn't listen to Viktor's attempts to stop him. He doesn't see the pained expression on his face. 

"But until then I need to train, the four continents is soon and I can't slack off now."

He walks away from Viktor to step onto the ice. Viktor takes a full minute to turn around and leave the rink. After a few laps around, Yuuri stops as the door shuts behind Viktor. He stands there, in the middle of the rink, looking as his tears fills the cuts on the ice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought about this chapter :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading ! Please don't hesitate to leave me a comment with your thoughts, positive or negative. :)


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